160 quotes found
“The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification”
“Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it”
“Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything.but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco”
“I love shark week, all kids swim for free”
“And as they drifter up their minds sang with the ecstatic knowledge that either what they were doing was completely and utterly and totally impossible or that physics had a lot of catching up to do...”
“To be interested in food but not in food production is clearly absurd.”
“You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order”
“The Law of Moronic Ubiquity: Anything in the universe that is generally considered to be idiot-proof will eventually be ruined by an idiot.”
“The Law of Chaos: Any activity or event that seems to lie beyond the boundaries of possibility will usually be the first thing to occur.”
“Don't be so hard on yourself....that's what a loofah's for”
“Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are”
“Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.”
“I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers”
“And then, on the final day, it was time for the faux Underground Railroad. This is the part that no one believes. "No adult would ever do that," they say. "You can't be remembering that right." I a...”
“My love is pizza shaped. Won’t you have a slice? It’s circular, so there’s enough to go around.”
“Beauty is a whore, I like money better.”
“No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?""What?""Oh, you'd like something simpler?”
“To stay or to go, it amounted to the same thing.”
“BERENGER: And you consider all this natural? DUDARD: What could be more natural than a rhinoceros? BERENGER: Yes, but for a man to turn into a rhinoceros is abnormal beyond question. DUDARD: Well, ...”
“If there’s one thing that’s irrefutably absurd, it’s believing that we can separate intelligence from wisdom and still have it be intelligence.”
