218 quotes found
“A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good.”
“Taxes for people with too much damned time on their hands.”
“Expect stupid. It's everywhere.”
“The trouble with insanity is it can flare up at the most inconvenient moments.”
“If men were necessary in the procreation process, they'd have gone the way of the dodo bird long ago.”
“I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot.”
“If at 1st you don't succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y' still won't succeed, but you sure as hell won't give a shift.”
“A person without regrets is called a corpse.”
“Sometimes it's nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes.”
“False hope is better than no hope at all.”
“All's well so long-as you don't get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge.”
“I'm just an everyday kind of hero. If the everyday kind saves babies from burning buildings and looks hotter than hell in bunker gear.”
“A woman needs a man like a tuba needs a cucumber.”
“There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who enjoy a nice salami and those who have no souls.”
“A wedding is no way to begin a marriage.”
“When men age they're called sophisticated. When women age they ain't called at all.”
“If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong.”
“Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier.”
“Women have to be in the mood for sex. Men have to be breathing.”
“Love is like skydiving without a parachute.”
