Quotes by Ron White

“Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.”

“The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.”

“The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart...”

“The 1st Amendment protects the right to speak, not the right to spend.”

“My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.”

“There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked o...”

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”

“The next time you have a thought... let it go.”

“All I know how to do is take what's on my mind and spit it out funny. I don't know what else I could do besides comedy.”

“I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.”

“I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in th...”

“I was talking to a guy who was holding his 18-month-old daughter with the only limb he had left, and he had a smile on his face. I thought, 'I'm not even a 10th of this man.'”

“When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.”

“put my hand in front of her finger, thinking, 'Shes a magician; it might be loaded.”

“[I] put my hand in front of her finger, thinking, 'Shes a magician; it might be loaded.”

“[politicians are] like toddlers arguing over who gets the candy, but with a better vocabulary and less whacking each other with toys.”

“A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.”

“Show a little faith in someone when they need it. It’s amazing how it comes back around to you.”

“Political problems ruin meals. Let it be known as Eric’s Law of Lunch henceforth.”

“It’s one thing to be an undead fiend of darkness, but it takes an immense amount of work to look cool while doing it.”