Quotes by Ron White

“You ever see tape of the Kehoe brothers from Ohio, those two guys that get out of that white Suburban, it's been on Cops a few times? Those guys, folks, have a shootout with the police, at point......”

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”

“My wife's cooking's gotten a lot better since she learned the smoke alarm wasn't a timer. I had to tell her, Honey, the food's done before that particular buzzer goes off!”

“I got happily married to a rich woman. If you ever have a choice, go ahead. Actually, she's not rich at all. Her parents are loooooaaaddddeeeed. And they hate my guuuuuuuuuuutttttsss. And I am wait...”

“I never had much of a vocabulary. In fact, my friend Bob Schneider would still be alive today if I'd known the difference between antidote and anecdote. He got bitten by a copperhead, and I'm telli...”

“I'm a dog lover. Actually, I love my dog, I don't give a shit about your dog. I don't know your dog. Your dog could be an asshole, I don't know.”

“I like to keep the inside of the house between 70 and 75 degrees. My ex-wife liked to keep the inside of the house between 75 and a hundred and fuckin' ten. And you can't keep Tater Salad at that t...”

“She and I got into another argument about the temperature of the dwelling and she took a butcher knife and slashed the tires on my truck. So I dug up an old Polaroid of her and entered it in Hustle...”

“[imitating his cousin Ray on hunting deer] Well, it was 4 in the mornin'. 22 degrees outside. 'Course, you weren't there...pussy. I'm in a camouflage deer blind, with grease paint on my face. I've ...”

“One time, my wife said to me, [imitating his wife] Honey, the dryer is broken. [as himself] Did you check the lint trap? [imitating his wife with a clueless face] Sit down, honey, I'll check it. [a...”

“I bought this big two-story custom van back when I was married. I forgot to tell you this, it was getting kinda cool, it had the James Bond couch in the back, when you push a button, the couch auto...”

“In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it! That's right. You come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back! That's our policy. They're trying to pass a bill right now through the T...”

“There was this one crime I read about that was so heinous, I didn't have any words for it. This guy had killed a girl, her mother, and her grandmother without provocation. I mean, I am so pissed of...”

“So we're trying to breed Sluggo and get pick of the litter, so we put him with the female dog for a week. And to make sure it takes, we take him to the vet and they do the artificial insemination, ...”

“She got convinced in her crazy head that I had sex with this girl in Columbus, Ohio...and I did, and I'll tell you why. When you enter into a monogamous relationship with somebody, you usually do i...”

“I promised Sears I would tell this story on stage every night till the lawsuit's settled. I had my van down at Savannah, Georgia, didn't like the way the tires were wearing on it. I took the van to...”

“I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, Bye, everybody, I gotta...”

“The cops were called 'cause we broke a chair on the way out and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it because we broke it over my thigh. The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the...”