Quotes by Ron White

“Sometimes I hate this place. I mean I really, truly, hate it. It offends my narrow-minded and provincial sensibilities regarding good universe design.”

“Political problems ruin meals. Let it be known as Eric’s Law of Lunch henceforth.”

“Fangs out? Check. Claws sharp? Check. Plan? Plan? What plan? I’m making this up as I go.”

“I spent a lot of last night being moody and grim.I’m a vampire. We’re allowed to do that. It’s in all the brochures.”

“...the whole 'know thyself' thing isn’t a journey to a fixed destination. Learning about myself changes me, forcing me to learn more. 'Know thyself' isn’t a goal; it’s a road.”

“What’s fair and what’s true often bear no resemblance to each other.”

“...please don’t throw any more rocks at the barrier keeping the demonic hordes of the void from pouring over the world.”

“put my hand in front of her finger, thinking, 'She’s a magician; it might be loaded.”

“[I] put my hand in front of her finger, thinking, 'She’s a magician; it might be loaded.”

“I'd like to start off this show by asking you all a question, cause I don't know the answer. Uh, I lost my sunglasses and yesterday I went to the Sunglass Hut. Here's the question: Why does a pair ...”

“You ever take a crap so big, your pants fit better? Anybody ever do that? You ever...I'm hoping that happens to me later tonight, 'cause these babies don't fit anymore. I'm hoping I'm one big turd ...”

“Yesterday, I was sitting on a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos and...[audience cheers], I was flippin' through the television and I saw Robert Tilton. He's a televangelist from Dallas, and uh, h...”

“I was flying from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn't own a globe. We flew on a plane that big. Like a pack of gum with eight people in it. [imitates sound of a tiny a...”

“The DeBeers people are almost saying what they really mean. You remember the old DeBeers slogan, Diamonds are forever. Then they changed it to This year, take her breath away. The new slogan is Dia...”

“[on vegetarianism] I didn't climb to the top of the fuckin' food chain to eat carrots.”

“I get that Speedo on, it looks like a rubber band stretched over a head of cauliflower.”

“Have you ever seen a healthy-looking vegetarian? They look like shit! They're all gaunt and yellow. After a while, their bodies become intolerant of other things. I'll give you an example: I was ou...”

“I've been through two hurricanes; I was in Hurricane Carla as a kid in Houston, and I was really excited during hurricane time, because you're out there on the Gulf and it's dangerous, and I was li...”

“They evacuated everybody from the (Florida) Keys and everybody leaves except for one guy who’s gonna stay there and tie himself to a tree on the beach, to prove a point; and the point was, he said,...”

“One time, I was watching a shootout live on CNN, and it went on for so long that the criminal eventually shot himself. And the cops are complaining by saying, He's got on body armor, he's got on bo...”