58 quotes found
Comedian · American · 1953
American comedian (born 1953)
“Men in high levels of government seldom surf.”
“Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.”
“Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.”
“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”
“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”
“I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.”
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
“I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.”
“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”
“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.”
“Men forget everything women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened. ”
“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”
“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”
“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”
“Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.”
“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?”
“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”
“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.”
“It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
“I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun a...”
“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
