58 quotes found
Comedian · American · 1953
American comedian (born 1953)
“My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.”
“There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.”
“Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night change its diapers and give it a bottle but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.”
“Men like cars women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.”
“If you like easygoing monogamous men stay away from billionaires.”
“We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and… get more feet.”
“I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
“Well, the old theory was marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature — marry a young one.”
“Whenever I date a guy, I think, Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”
“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.”
“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”
“To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.”
“[One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)”
“Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would deve...”
“I don't even know how this word came into being: aerobics. I guess gym instructors got together and said, If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'.”
“Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.”
“Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men — how about New Car Interior?”
“I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.”
