756 quotes found
“People keep making excuses, thats why everthing happens for a reason.”
“Make your life the greatest story ever told!”
“Hey Circe, how come your horoscope predictions are never that a hot girl is gonna fall madly in love with me forever and ever?Uh, cause you're a dork Seth! She taunted.Oh yeah, Seth said happily sm...”
“My dad used to tell me that laughter was like a cough or a sneeze - the body's way of trying to expel something. But instead of some phlegm in your throat, or some dust up your nose, a laugh happen...”
“Comedians love people to point and laugh at them, even if they are not funny, naturists don't, no matter how funny they are.”
“If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.”
“When I was in eighth grade, I used a self-timing camera to take nude pictures of myself in various stages of erection. I then exchanged my biology teachers slides with the images. The teacher, in a...”
“I had one friend with same-sex orientation, and Dana hadn't spoken to me since I asked her to describe her honeymoon in graphic detailand then made vibrator noises.”
“Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark”
“Support your partner in their interests. You never know when batting practice, kung fu movie moves, or even a poker night might come in handy during a zombie infestation.”
“Make requests, not demands. "Please" kill that zombie, honey, I'm out of bullets.”
“I couldn't have made a better shot, if I had been one of those detectives who see a chap walking along the street and deduce that he is a retired manufacturer of poppet valves named Robinson with r...”
“The effort really to see and really to represent is no idle business in face of the constant force that makes for muddlement. The great thing is indeed that the muddled state too is one of the very...”
“Build mutual friendships. Just be ready to end them when your friends start trying to eat you.”
“Suddenly, however, the dastardly department of my personality presented two plans, one of which involved dynamite, mustache wax, some rope, and train tracks . . . which I rejected due to financial ...”
“I should have known that having "end of the world" sex wouldn't solve our problems. Though, it was pretty great and I highly recommend it.”
“Because I'm not really certain she'd make the best travel partner through a zombie-infested city, he hissed. She gets confused by Scrabble.”
“Now Vegas, while you were asleep your classmates and I were discussing time manipulation. What are your thoughts on the subject?Well, Vegas turned to the class, his captive audience and smiled, if ...”
“The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors.”
“Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!”
