218 quotes found
“I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train.”
“Don't worry. It's scientifically unlikely that the universe will explode into a million particles at any given moment.”
“Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.”
“In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere.”
“Some people say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternu...”
“I don't need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam.”
“Maybe money can't buy happiness, but it can get you a nice little villa in Tuscany, and that's close enough for me.”
“He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy.”
“Jealousy. It's a terrible thing. Unless it's someone else's.”
“It's not who you know, it's who you sleep with.”
“Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which.”
“Today's problems are yesterday's mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass.”
“Maybe life does suck, Pork Chop, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.”
“Just when you think you have life by the tail, it's likely to whip around and take a hunk outta your balls.”
“There is no greater hell than realizing you're in love with the guy you hate.”
“Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where there's a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have t...”
“The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts.”
“Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10.”
“Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air.”
“Beauty is only skin deep, but who gives a shit what's under their skin anyway?”
