756 quotes found
“Thank God it wasnt beef jerky, or I mightve ended up dead." "The President's Neighbor" a comedy script by Brett Bacon.”
“The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things theyve never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of peoples minds, exposing them to the light.”
“As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.”
“You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.”
“As for the committable comment, all geniuses are nuts, Heather, my patients appreciate it.”
“The difference between a man and a woman is whether to ask for directions.”
“Being an authorized user generates more of a risk than a reward. You are putting your credit in the hands of others. The previous statement implies their mistakes, now becomes yours! - The Credit R...”
“The people who establish the laws, acts, and regulations already did the tedious work; the rest of the process is just putting the Credit Acts into Action. - The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repa...”
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
“In summers, after 1 hour of extreme gaming you can use your laptop to iron your shirt.”
“Check my riddle, and Ill let you play my fiddle.”
“How do i do this?”
“The human race has the capacity to render itself extinct unless alternatives are found to the patterns of intraspecific warfare that have dominated civilized history. Ours has long been a predatory...”
“Mr. Acme comments that the new foodservice professionals in the cafeteria are two-headed carnival escapees and probably also wanted convicts. He expresses his deep conviction that the names they ga...”
“The next afternoon I left work to find that my car had been broken into and ransacked but that not one thing had been stolen. I was so insulted that I left a note on the window that read:Dear Scum...”
“Laughter is a whip that keeps us in line. It's horrible to be laughed at against your will. Either you suppress unwelcome laughter or you start controlling it.”
“Everyone says it's wrong, 'drinking and driving', don't they. I can tell you two things that are far more dangerous than 'drinking and driving': 1. 'drinking'; 2. 'driving'.Do you know how many peo...”
“Credit Repair Companies feed off your frustrations, and your funds!!! - The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company's Secret Weapon.”
“Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.”
“Water!' cried Marie.'Vinegar!' recommended the bell-boy.'Eu-de-Cologne!' said Bill.'Pepper!' said Lord Tidmouth.Mary had another suggestion.'Give her air!'So had the bell-boy.'Slap her hands!'Lord ...”
