“The great thing about the Internet isn't that you can reconnect with old friends or stay up to date with developing world events or send pictures of newborns immediately around the world. It is sim...”

“Women do not lie about their age. In fact, no woman ever has, its just that memory is the first thing to go.”

“Son, my dad said, every man needs a bitter, resentful woman in his life. Because there's nothing more touching to a mother's heart than to know that her son thinks of her constantly.”

“Word of advice for any young man that might want to take out Malia or Sasha Obama - Their father can order an assassination, don't piss him off.”

“Oh I'd be more than happy to hold, I'll just spend the time working on that brain tumor.”

“There are only a few things that are more entertaining than watching a cat trying to run across a freshly waxed wood floor after a ball.”

“Anyone who is willing to work and is serious about it will certainly find a job. Only you must not go to the man who tells you this, for he has no job to offer and doesn't know anyone who knows of ...”

“Choose your counsel, company and companions wisely: beware seeking wise words of advice from a fool or expecting informed opinions or decisions from the ignorant.”

“If you find it difficult to get along with your boss, try to reason with him and talk through your differences. If that doesn't work, drive him to suicide and take over the company.”

“Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.”

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”

“Aside from the obvious, Francesca, what do you want in return for supplying information? Bones asked, getting back to the subject. You to take me, she replied at once. Not gonna happen! I spat, squ...”

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

“I've always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the hands if we don't have a brain.”

“If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.”