86 quotes found
“Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows”
“Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea”
“Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose.... and when you revel in victory, make like it's a dirty win”
“I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free”
“When people try to rain on your parade,...pee on theirs”
“When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service.that's no chocolate on the pillow”
“Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub”
“If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months”
“If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator”
“The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification”
“Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it”
“Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything.but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco”
“I love shark week, all kids swim for free”
“You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order”
“it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong”
“the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner”
“I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first”
“Don't be so hard on yourself....that's what a loofah's for”
“Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are”
“It's not that I'm ahead of my time, it's more that the world is running late”
