756 quotes found
“I knew I was in deep shit. I didnt know how deepjust that I still hadnt touched bottom.”
“The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed t...”
“I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES!”
“According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time. Maybe not while you're having your gangrenous leg sawed off, watching your home burn down or lea...”
“The truth is what we say it is...prove to me this desk is not a cow!”
“Run. Flee. Fuck off. Vanish from my presence and take the foul stench of your sordid secret with you.”
“Next door to the Bensons is Emmet Frag, a retired pacemaker who is credited with inventing the notion of happiness. Hes currently working on a method for categorising ducks based on their singing v...”
“St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents in the bonnet, which distinguished it from the more common and less powerful XR3i.”
“He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the se...”
“Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that shed only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I grabs her head and I stuck it through a display of them Mullers rices an...”
“Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winters day.”
“This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match was the second semi-final of the morning after Belinda Carl...”
“Eunice had deposited St John upon the balcony of the first-floor apartment of former Liberal MP, The Rt. Hon. Leonard Cossins, the disgraced Lord Mayor of Mitchell-Baines who had been removed from ...”
“Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.”
“Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.”
“I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to put on Daves socks, before realising that he only had two feet, compared to Dav...”
“There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesnt hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformat...”
“Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.”
“Tobak Davenport, who is a cross between some Sugar Puffs and Lynn Faulds-Wood, was squatting there before being removed by the local constabulary after he went round to complain about Luther Blisse...”
“You little prick. It's a whelk...it's a...it's a...dead whelk!”
