756 quotes found
“Im making a list of when its acceptable for a pirate to cry. [] So far Ive got: one - when holding a seagull covered in oil. Two - when singing a shanty that reminds him of orphans. Three - when co...”
“You know, I'm really starting to hate the insect life around here. Next time, remind me to bring a can of Off!”
“If you don't want me to attend the patient I'll go.''But she can't see a doctor now.''Why not?''She isn't well.”
“Morning, Bill,' said Lord Tidmouth agreeably.'Go to hell!' said Bill.'Right-ho,' said his lordship.”
“When you can't make it, just fake it”
“If you knew how many hidden depths I had your pretty eyes would pop right out of your winsome face. Not literally of course - that would be disgusting. I wouldnt envy the man who had to clean up a ...”
“Laughter is the best medicine”
“So what we are right now is a pair of dickweeds in a hotel room in Sydney. My life is royally fucked up right now and from where Im sitting, your life is even bloody worse.”
“So, to sum up my room-clearing generalizations, men are in comedy to break rules.”
“If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you dont even question your choices before you walk out of the house youre a fucking weirdo.”
“Comedy is hard work. People expect you to be funny 24/7. So if you're not constantly cracking up your friends, it can hurt you professionally. They may not read your book or come to your show. 'She...”
“If she did bitch-slap me, I'd bitch-slap her right back, but I resented the word bitch and all its familiar forms, as it was degrading to women and dogs everywhere.”
“Modern-Day Parenting is no joke. For starters, no one takes you seriously unless you have a fancy parenting style. Tiger Mom, Helicopter Mom, Organic Mom and on and on. I've decided to go with L-Bo...”
“I have a phonetic fetish. All I want is to find a man whose last name ends in 'Vrski' and marry him. Try saying VRSKI. Oh, don't be a tight-ass. SAY IT. Don't you love the purring sound it makes in...”
“Listen to Understand. Not to Reply!!!!”
“I love therapy. I don't get the taboo about seeking therapy at all. It's exactly like taking Buzzfeed quizzes. At the end of the day, we all want to know what cocktail we are. But it means so much ...”
“I went in there only once, as a sane man, and I came out...well, I came out like this. But you, once you come out of there, you'll be a king!”
“Smile, its the second best thing youcan do with your lips.”
“He said they've literally set up a camp across the street from the hotel and they have signs and bullhorns and the kind of Christian attitude that makes God puke.”
“Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot.”
