Quotes by Groucho Marx

“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”

“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”

“It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”

“When I first came to this country I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my pocket.”

“I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”

“Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child.”

“There is one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes' you know he is crooked.”

“Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.”

“One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.”

“Since my little daughter is only half Jewish would it be alright if she went into the pool only up to her waist?”

“No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”

“I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.”

“I've had a wonderful evening . . . but this wasn't it.”

“I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”

“I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.”

“When I first came to this country I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my pocket.”

“Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child.”

“There is one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes' you know he is crooked.”

“Since my little daughter is only half Jewish would it be alright if she went into the pool only up to her waist?”

“No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”