Quotes by Groucho Marx

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

“The only real laughter comes from despair.”

“Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.”

“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”

“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”

“No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.”

“I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.”

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

“I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”

“I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”

“Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.”

“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

“Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes th...”

“All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.”