Quotes by Groucho Marx

“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”

“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”

“While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”

“I dont have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. Theyre upstairs in my socks.”

“With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.”

“Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.”

“Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.”

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”

“I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.”

“Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)”

“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.”

“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”

“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”

“A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.”

“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does”