“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happ...”

“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.”

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

“Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you...”

“Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.”