43 quotes found
“Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.”
“If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!”
“I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.”
“Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.”
“The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).”
“I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'”
“I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.”
“THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two peo...”
“It is illegal to yell fire in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like Flames! or Smoke maker! or Bad hot!”
“Like a lot of people, Ive always enjoyed commenting on strangers outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on peoples hilarious clot...”
“REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.”
“Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countles...”
“Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you".....”
“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roomma...”
“I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.”
“No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.”
“Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?”
“Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.”
“I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we st...”
“I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful ...”
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.”
“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.”
“I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.”
“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased to...”
