“THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two peo...”

“It is illegal to yell fire in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like Flames! or Smoke maker! or Bad hot!”

“REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.”

“Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countles...”

“The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).”

“Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?”

“THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two peo...”

“It is illegal to yell fire in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like Flames! or Smoke maker! or Bad hot!”

“REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.”

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

“Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you...”

“Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.”