756 quotes found
“Quiet, everybody! Quiet! Well, Sir, we've been getting along pretty good for quite a while now, and we're certainly much obliged. Remember, all we ask is to just go along and be happy in our own so...”
“Ah! good Sir! no Whores before Dinner, I beseech”
“A comedy isnt about being funny...a comedy is about characters who dare to know that they may choose a happy ending after all.”
“She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.”
“No one will laugh at how great things are for somebody.”
“BALLS! We want the finest wines available to humanity. We want them HERE, and we want them NOW.”
“I found myself surrounded by really old veterans wearing hats that said, "Retired Marine - SEMPER FI." These hats didn't appear to fit on their heads, but instead seemed to hover over them.At one p...”
“It seemed harmless enough until she misplaced her "Dildo" and started calling the neighbors to ask if she could borrow one of theirs!”
“To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me.”
“Grandma, everyone out here is bleaching their anuses. What do I do?"Her advice? "Baby, go outside in the sun and squirt a little lemon juice on it.”
“During our visit, we noticed she was mixing up words. She started referring to Muslims as Mormons. After 9/11, she told Jon and me how it was important for America to stop the radical Mormons becau...”
“The girdle went from just under my breasts to the top of my knees. It cinched me in pretty tight. In fact, it was so tight that when I sat in it and farted, the farts would slide up my back, shoot ...”
“Any game plan? (Xypher)Don't die. (Sin)I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me. (Xypher)”
“Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. and yet... and yet you act as if there is...”
“Sam: I've never considered myself a finicky eater. No pie ever crossed my path and survived.”
“To see a man slip on a banana skin is to see a rationally structured system suddenly translated into a whirling machine.”
“He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins.”
“Mankind is immortalin the comic perspective not by virtue of man's subjugation of naturebut by virtue of man's subjection to it. The "fall" in tragedy ends indeath; the fall in comedy ends in bed, ...”
“Myrtle Mae, you have a lot to learn, and I hope you never learn it.”
“It was too early in the morning for this fuckery.”
