Quotes by Steven Wright

“If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”

“When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.”

“I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a str...”

“Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'”

“How young can you die of old age?”

“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”

“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent...”

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”

“When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.”

“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”

“I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like...”

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”

“I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.”

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”