Quotes by Steven Wright

“I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.”

“I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.”

“You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.”

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”

“I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.”