Quotes by Steven Wright

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

“Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldnt pay for.”

“So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being...”

“I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.”

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone. ”

“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”

“If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?”

“Hermits have no peer pressure.”

“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.”

“I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!”

“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.”

“I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.”

“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”

“The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.”

“I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.”

“I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.”