Quotes by Steven Wright

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”

“Why isnt the word phonetically spelled with an f?”

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.”

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“It doesnt matter what temperature a room is, its always room temperature.”

“I have an inferiority complex, but its not a very good one.”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”

“If its zero degrees outside today and its supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“Why are there five syllables in the word monosyllabic?”

“Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”