Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”

“When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back”

“You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!”

“Life's a short trip. You'll find out.”

“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”

“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”

“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”

“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”