Quotes by Carl Hiaasen

“Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty.”

“Hey. Sometimes life is a shit flavored Popsicle.”

“Im waiting for the day when Rush Limbaughs pharmacist writes a book.”

“Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.”

“as a lobbyist he had long ago concluded there was no difference in how Democrats and Republicans conducted the business of government. The game stayed the same: It was always about favors and frien...”

“...Right now there's a pair of bad cops on their way out here to shoot me.""You don't know that.""Yeah, you're right," Stranahan said. "They're probably just collecting Toys for Tots. Now go.”

“Remember what happened last time with the 'cuda.”

“Please don't grow up to be one of those men who lie for the sport of it, and most men do. That's a fact. That's why the world is so messed up, Noah. That's why history books are full of so much hea...”

“Sunset on the water ought to be a quiet and easy time, but I guess some people can't stand a little silence.”

“The classroom fell quiet, a long heavy silence that roared in Roy's ears like a train.”

“From the bow of the canoe she asked, "Do you know a rain dance?""First I need a virgin.”

“As far as I'm concerned, the gator that ate T.C. deserves a medal from Crime Stoppers.”

“Just because something was legal didn't automatically make it right.”

“My father's a large man, very strong, but he says fighting is for people who can't win with their brains. He also says there are times when you've got no choice but to defend yourself from common m...”

“That's the thing about being a Labrador retriever - you were born for fun. Seldom was your loopy, freewheeling mind cluttered by contemplation, and never at all by somber worry; every day was a rom...”

“Actually it was the mark of the stupid, which is what you get for sitting under a tree during a thunderstorm.”

“One problem with age is that patience begins to ebb.”

“Nobody with an IQ higher than emergency-room temperature could ever believe that 'death panels' would be appointed to nudge the elderly toward euthanasia. Yet for idle entertainment, it's hard to b...”

“I never laugh or smile when I am writing. When I come home for lunch after writing all morning, my wife says I look like I just came home from a funeral. This is not bragging. This is an illness.”

“You can do the best research and be making the strongest intellectual argument, but if readers don't get past the third paragraph you've wasted your energy and valuable ink.”