“All good and true book-lovers practice the pleasing and improving avocation of reading in bed ... No book can be appreciated until it has been slept with and dreamed over.”

“Here we have baby. It is composed of a bald head and a pair of lungs.”

“Here we have a baby. It is composed of a bald head and a pair of lungs.”

“Some statesmen go to Congress and some go to jail. It is the same thing after all.”

“When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred He quoth: "A large cold bottle and a small hot bird!"”

“All human joys are swift of wing For heaven doth so allot it That when you get an easy thing You find you haven't got it.”

“We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.”

“The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!”

“There are two kinds of people in the world: those who love chocolate, and communists.”

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

“Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you...”

“Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.”