“Everything that ever happened is just stories now, Earl. But it was all very real to people while it was happening. Wasn't it?”

“We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.”

“There are two kinds of people in the world: those who love chocolate, and communists.”

“If you are not feeling well, if you have not slept, chocolate will revive you. But you have no chocolate! I think of that again and again! My dear, how will you ever manage?”

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

“Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you...”

“Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.”