“I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.”

“Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.”

“Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you".....”

“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roomma...”

“I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.”

“No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.”

“THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two peo...”

“It is illegal to yell fire in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like Flames! or Smoke maker! or Bad hot!”

“Like a lot of people, Ive always enjoyed commenting on strangers outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on peoples hilarious clot...”

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

“Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you...”

“Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.”