“I figure you're only here for a matter of moments. Ever since I was a kid watching movies I've always wanted to make people laugh or have some sort of emotional reaction.”

“I resent my barber when he charges the full cost after he cuts my hair but he says he's charging me for finding it.”

“The groom is so much better for her than her last boyfriend. He's sophisticated he brings her flowers and candy he dines by candlelight. Her last boyfriend thought it was enough to spray her name...”

“He spends so much time in the sand trap you'd think he was in the cast of Baywatcb.”

“I resent my barber when he charges the full cost after he cuts my hair but he says he's charging me for finding it.”

“People have often asked me, If you weren’t in show business, what would you be doing? The truth is, I don’t think there’s anything else I could be doing, so the answer would have to be, nothing. Th...”

“I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm talent and wit. Unfortunately he couldn't be here tonight so instead . . .”

“I do not stand on protocol. If you just call me Excellency it will be okay.”

“The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.”