“I figure you're only here for a matter of moments. Ever since I was a kid watching movies I've always wanted to make people laugh or have some sort of emotional reaction.”

“I resent my barber when he charges the full cost after he cuts my hair but he says he's charging me for finding it.”

“The groom is so much better for her than her last boyfriend. He's sophisticated he brings her flowers and candy he dines by candlelight. Her last boyfriend thought it was enough to spray her name...”

“This gathering is what I call "intimate " which really means "Where is everybody?"”

“He spends so much time in the sand trap you'd think he was in the cast of Baywatcb.”

“People have often asked me, If you weren’t in show business, what would you be doing? The truth is, I don’t think there’s anything else I could be doing, so the answer would have to be, nothing. Th...”

“I'll say it: I want to see an ugly woman as a spokeswoman for a women's network. Ugly men are out there all the time look at Larry King, for God's sake. He looks like someone's talking underwear. ...”

“It was the way she looked at me the whole time. That look said more than she ever could and, in turn, scared me more than her words alone ever could.”

“The farther reason looks the greater is the haze in which it loses itself.”