“Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason”

“Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst. ”

“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a we...”

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”

“I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm talent and wit. Unfortunately he couldn't be here tonight so instead . . .”

“I do not stand on protocol. If you just call me Excellency it will be okay.”

“At the end of a long introduction: You omitted perhaps one thing - that in 1974 I had a hemorrhoidectomy.”