Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

“Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason”

“Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst. ”

“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a we...”

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”

“I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.”

“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

“A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.”

“Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.”

“I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”

“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”

“The best revenge is living well.”

“That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me. ”

“Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.”

“There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'”

“We want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.”

“You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'”

“Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”