“It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.”

“Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.”

“Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.”

“The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.”

“I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.”

“On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.”

“These temple destroyers, devotees of ravaging commercialism, seem to have a perfect contempt for Nature, and, instead of lifting their eyes to the God of the mountains, lift them to the Almighty Do...”

“He knows how to market himself well. Nowadays, that's all that seems to count. He's rebellious in a way that appeals to people with vain, shallow taste. So of course he manipulates his audiences wi...”

“That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.”

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

“Be wary of strong drink, it can make you shoot at the tax collector...and miss.”

“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.”

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

“I've always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the hands if we don't have a brain.”

“If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.”