“See, some people politely encourage their tone-deaf friends to sing. Some people even convince them to go on live television and audition for national competitions. But me? I am not that friend.”

“Mom asked for a cupcake miracle? Well, here comes the freaking holy angel of icing, at your service. --”

“I'm not sure if you even want me around or if you just feel sorry for me. I'm not sure of anything.”

“Have some carrots. They're good for your eyes.""Then you have some fries. They're good for your... I don't know. They're just good.”

“He turned the entire living room into an airport, complete with a four-foot-high LEGO traffic control tower and a fleet of paper planes, plastic army pilots taped safely into their cockpits. From d...”

“Everyone says that the internet is so awesome because you can connect with people from all over the world, but I think its the opposite. The internet doesnt make it easier to connect with anyoneit ...”

“That's it, cupcake. You're going down.”

“I was coming down off the last painkiller left in my dresser drawer after Autumn tossed my stash. In that moment I was so groggy and happy I would have accepted a date with Oscar the Grouch - and p...”

“That's it, cupcake. You're going down.”

“We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.”

“The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!”

“There are two kinds of people in the world: those who love chocolate, and communists.”

“Whenever you don't know someone and you overhear their problems they always sound so trivial.”

“Our problems stem from our acceptance of this filthy, rotten system.”

“There are always answers. We just have to be smart enough.”