“I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.”

“A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.”

“You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.”

“Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.”

“Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore.”

“Trust is important to any relationship and easier to come by if you get a picture of a guy's wife buck naked.”

“It ate a party till someone ends up naked.”

“Love makes the world go around, but so does a gallon of vodka and a box of Cuban cigars.”

“Dating is like nightfall--there's got to be a mourning after.”

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

“I've always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the hands if we don't have a brain.”

“If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.”

“Never Give up, never surrender.”

“Several Terminal Policy readers got together to tell Raker jokes: - Raker CAN piss into the wind. - Raker donates a lot of blood to the Red Cross -- just never his own. - Superman wears Raker paj...”

“There was no one alive who did not contribute his share of mystery to the world.”