“I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.”

“A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.”

“You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.”

“Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.”

“Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore.”

“There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers.”

“We didn't, after all, sing "Another One Bites The Dust" as the coffin was carried out; Hazel and the vicar had settled instead on the more traditional "How Great Thou Art". And Aunty Rose's old adv...”

“For all the awkward girls that think theyre alone.Youre not.”

“Trina stared into her open kitchen cabinets. She was two and a half days into her pre-date-night ritual fast, and she was about to crack. Technically, she wasnt going out on a date Saturday night, ...”

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

“I've always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the hands if we don't have a brain.”

“If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.”

“Never Give up, never surrender.”

“Several Terminal Policy readers got together to tell Raker jokes: - Raker CAN piss into the wind. - Raker donates a lot of blood to the Red Cross -- just never his own. - Superman wears Raker paj...”

“There was no one alive who did not contribute his share of mystery to the world.”