93 quotes found
“That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.”
“Agnostics are just atheists without balls.”
“Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?”
“Maybe hell be different from who he was and always is.”
“I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.”
“Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.”
“Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.”
“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.”
“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”
“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”
“Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.”
“Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff ...”
“Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.”
“So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”
“I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, a...”
“There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.”
“God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.”
“If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.”
“Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from i...”
“Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third i...”
“Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what P...”
“I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.”
“I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rig...”
“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love th...”
