“I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.”

“Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.”

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.”

“Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff ...”

“There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.”

“God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.”

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

“I've always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the hands if we don't have a brain.”

“If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.”