1,229 quotes found
“Chivalry is dead, and women killed it. ... Chivalry got killed by the feminist movement on them magazines that got women going crazy, because women got too much advice about men from other women. A...”
“I had a crackhead break my car window one time, broke it. You know what he stole? A fucking candy bar I had lying on the seat. That's all he took. A goddamn candy bar. I was so mad, I drove around ...”
“Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, are you an Indian? And he was cool. Yes. Yes, I'm an Indian. Still didn't believe him. I had to test him to be sure. This is fucked up, but I had a gum wrapper i...”
“I know what you drink. See how quiet it got? Grape juice. Surprise, motherfuckers! You didn’t know I knew about grape juice, did you? Oh, don't play dumb with me. Like, ah, what is it? A lot of bla...”
“I went to Disney World with my kids, which is a big deal for me. I don't get to see my kids so much. I do Chappelle's Show twenty hours a day, sleep for like, half an hour, raise my kids for ten, t...”
“Stop worshipping celebrities so much. Just don't listen, don't pay attention. I remember, right around September 11th, Ja Rule was on MTV. That's what they said, they said We got Ja Rule on the pho...”
“You know, I was in Santa Fe the other night, and a motherfucker threw a banana peel at me. Yeah, that didn't feel so good. Of course, it was a white person. Not to indict the whites, I'm just sayin...”
“Ebola was in Texas. Ebola made a visit. Killed that man in Dallas. Five days, that man melted to death. What happened to the brother in Dallas? Where was the secret serum? is what we all said. I re...”
“Remember Paula Deen got fired from the Food Network? If you know anything about show business, it is really hard to get fired from the fucking Food Network. And they dropped that bitch like a hot p...”
“Name-calling does not break the modern black man. That's not gonna do the trick. I don't give a fuck about that. Like, if I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken, and for some reason, everyone behind the ...”
“I got myself extorted, which happens in this business. I come home from the road. There was a FedEx sitting on the kitchen table, and it was addressed to me, so I opened it. I don't know who delive...”
“Everybody's mad at police now. I watched that - you see that shit on Netflix, Making a Murderer? The Steven Avery story? Yeah well if you haven't seen it, check it out. Steven Avery is in more trou...”
“There's a few reasons you don't see black people at my shows. One is because, obviously, black people have slower internet connections. I mean, that would be my guess. I don't know.”
“When you hear somebody call you brother too much, something terrible is about to happen. Excuse me, brother. Brother? And then I looked back, and the motherfucker had a tuxedo with the kente cloth ...”
“My wife is Asian. She's Filipino. Alright, well, okay, so that explains it. Now you know why you see me at all those Filipino events. I'm not there picking up pussy, I'm dropping some off.”
“The fourth time I met OJ Simpson. The fourth time is not the funniest time, but it was the last time I'd see The Juice. For some reason, I was at the Kentucky Derby. It's a very long story. This is...”
“My parents did just well enough so that I could grow up poor around white people. To be honest, when Nas and them talk about the projects, nigga, I used to get jealous. Because it sounded fun. Ever...”
“I was in Portland, Oregon, and I was checked in a hotel under the name Charles Edward Cheese. I came back to my room late at night, and there was a note; it was like a letter on my desk. It was add...”
“You know how I know I'm getting old? This is embarassing, but... I was in my hotel room. I was... I'm not gonna lie, I was jerking off. And I was, like, really sweating it out. And this is when I k...”
“My oldest son ... let me tell you, this kid is only sixteen years old, listen to what he did to me. This motherfucker calls me up in the middle of the night, it was one o'clock in the morning. He g...”
