Quotes by Matthew Heines

“Wisdom of the Ages: "Hillary" Has replaced the term "battle-axe" to describe an undesirable mother-in-law in 37 languages.”

“Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.”

“Wisdom of the Ages "Car Commercials" One of the last times you're ever gonna see that overpriced s-box not stuck in a traffic jam.”

“Wisdom of the Ages: "Wildlife Education" When I was a kid, the only woodland creature I knew of was the squirrel. I guess that's why no one believed me when I told them a squirrel just ate two of m...”

“Wisdom of the Ages: "Ski-ing" The act of visiting Polish people.”

“Wisdom of the Ages: "BS" Has now replaced death, worthless IOU's and ignorance as America's number one export.”

“Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.”

“Wisdom of the Ages "News People" Always joking around and happy. I guess that proves that ignorance really is bliss.”

“Wisdom of the Ages: "Friendship" The only ship that can weather any storm.”

“Wisdom of the Ages: "New Year's Eve" The last day you can do all the things you are resolving to give up-until you give up on your New Year's resolutions.”

“Wisdom of the Ages: "Virtual Reality" A fairly plausible explanation for the abundance of Virtual People running around these days.”

“Wisdom of the Ages "The Marshawn" US Army's new main battle tank. Runs over enemies instead of shooting them. Biggest expense: maintaining the dreadlocks hanging off the turret.”

“Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Tom Brady's balls" Nothing more than a publicity stunt to keep the NFL Network from losing San Francisco's market share.”

“Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Wilson or Brady?" The writing is on the ball...”

“Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Patriot Act" In theater and football, it's the last act before it's curtains for Seahawks opponents.”

“Wisdom of the Ages: "Ferguson Riots" They were ready to tear America to shreds over their grief-right until the TV cameras left to cover the football games.”

“Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Super Bowl Sunday" "Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain-and all the children are insane.-" The Doors”