Quotes by Karl Pilkington

“I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.”

“The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.”

“I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.”

“There was some women in a caf the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, ...”

“She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy...”

“A dog has got human eyes.”

“I could eat a knob at night.”

“I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.”

“Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.”

“I was woken early and had breakfast with the guru. We had some spicy Rice Krispies and a spicy biscuit with some really sweet, milky tea. Not the way I normally like it, but I drank it anyway as I ...”

“Id heard street food was a big thing here in Mexico but I didnt think it meant the creatures that lived on the street.”

“It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey”

“The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn...”

“It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.”

“I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.”

“They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. S...”

“The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says - it's only a matter of time before my append...”

“I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.”

“A block of blood should not have the word "cake" after it...they might as well say "shite gateau”

“How would I know which one I was?”