155 quotes found
Writer · American
American writer
“I've noticed you only speak ghetto half of the time." - Stephanie"I'm multi-lingual," Rancher said.I followed him to the door, feeling jealous, wishing I knew a second language.”
“He squinted at me. "What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control?”
“The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled.Dang," Grandma said. "Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.”
“Aren't you something," Grandma said. "I never saw a midget up close." "Little person," Briggs said. "And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either.”
“If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead!”
“My father hired you to protect me," Ahmed said, "not to go off chasing men." Grandma leaned forward, keeping her eye on the Taurus. "We think this guy killed Fred." "Who's Fred?" "My uncle," I told...”
“Besides, there's nobody who is going to watch your back better than me. You know that. And that's why I'm going to be there with you, whenever there is, whenever you ask, and as long as I'm able, h...”
“Ranger cradled my face in his hands, using his thumbs to wipe the tears from my eyes. "The ceremony is over. Can you make it back to the car?"I nodded. "I'm okay now. Am I red and blotchy from cryi...”
“I failed math twice, never fully grasping probability theory. I mean, first off, who cares if you pick a black ball or a white ball out of the bag? And second, if youre bent over about the color, d...”
“Almost everybody I know has died, Grandma said. Bunch of wimps.”
“I wasnt a fabulous cook. I didnt have a boyfriend, much less a husband. And I wasnt a big financial success. I could live with all those failings as long as I knew that once in a while I looked rea...”
“Calories dont count if theyre connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.”
“I got out of the elevator and confronted Mr. Wexler. Killing is wrong. We kill chickens, Mr. Wexler said. We kill cows. We kill trees. So big deal, we kill some drug dealers.It was hard to argue wi...”
“Thats how you tell what a mans really made of. Its one thing for a man to be big and brave and kill a spider. Any man could do that. Trailin after a woman when shes shopping for thongs and push-up ...”
“I wasnt sure anymore what made a good marriage. There had to be love, of course, but there were so many different kinds of love. And clearly, some love was more enduring than others.”
“My Spanish is limited to burrito and taco,”
“Cripes, I cant keep up on this political correct shit. I dont even know what to call myself. One minute Im black. Then Im African American. Then Im a person of color. Who the hell makes these rules...”
“Cooking wasnt so bad, I thought. In fact, it was a lot like sex. Sometimes it didnt seem like such a good idea in the beginning, but then after you got into it ”
“When something needs to be ironed I put it in the ironing basket. If a year goes by and the item is still in the basket I throw the item away. This is a good system since eventually I end up only w...”
“Tastykakes are just another of the many advantages of living in Jersey. Theyre made in Philly and shipped to Trenton in all their fresh squishiness. I read once that 439,000 Butterscotch Krimpets a...”
