135 quotes found
“Promises are like assholes," Elsbeth pipes up. "They stink when you put your nose in them.”
“So you need an alarm system because you gonna be in bad neighborhoods?""Actually, I sort of stole a car, and I'm afraid the owner will try to get it back.”
“There once was a man from Des MoinesWhose wife was always annoyedHe stepped in the kitchenShe started her bitchin'Now that fucking cunt is dead.”
“Wise Child: Why don't you beat me then?Juniper: I can't be bothered.”
“He openned the door that he assumed was the garage only to find himself in the pantry.crap."Um . . . grabbing some Pop-Tarts for the road," Nick said, covering his mistake. Still, they both stared ...”
“Ramon Ramon is a riot. Totally paranoid, gangsta detective. Been reading it with my girlfriend on study breaks and it always gives us a good laugh. Not usually into fiction, but i've been giving th...”
“Who grins in official circumstances?”
“tiny doesn't just sing these words - he belts them. it's like a parade coing out of his mouth. i have no doubt the words travel over lake michigan to most of canada and on to the north pole. the fa...”
“It was a nasty look. It made me feel as if I were something the dog had brought in and intended to bury later on, when he had time.”
“Follow my finger." He moved it around, tracking my eye movements. "Any blurred vision?""Well I think I'm hallucinating, because I see a big talking pile of crap." - Joanne Baldwin.”
“It's brain," I said; "pure brain! What do you do to get like that, Jeeves? I believe you must eat a lot of fish, or something. Do you eat a lot of fish, Jeeves?""No, sir.""Oh, well, then, it's just...”
“If you've ever been there, you've never forgotten. The feeling is as haunting and familiar as the smell of a junior high school locker room.”
“Chubi, rhymes with booby, which you don't have, or doodie, which your face looks like," she said smugly, leaning back and making her chair squeak.”
“I think I kind of like the idea of you all cold and wet.""Oh right, I'll be at my best; no visible balls, and a dick that looks like a Chiclet...""I can fix that," laughed Connor.”
“Oh man, Alex. That's sad. Seriously, mate, go get yourself laid.""What?" He gave Baldrick a quick kiss on his little head--he didn't care how stupid he looked, he loved his ugly cat--and put him do...”
“Shane waved a hand. Please, we know that all ittakes to get into your pants is a Hot Pocket and aNetFlix rental.”
“With these words there came the rending scream of a shattered stirk and an angry troubling of the branches as the poor madman percolated through the sieve of a sharp yew, a wailing black meteor hur...”
“Come on," he said. "Bring the poker."I brought the tongs as well. I felt like it.”
“Now that he knew there was the possibility of gay porn in his future he was a happy hamster.”
“God help him if any of them ever came true. Why, he'd be a two-headed, three-toed, monkey-nosed, blind son of a cesspit-licking lackey is she had her way.”
