“CUSTOMER: Do you have this children's book I've heard about? It's supposed to be very good. It's called "Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe.”

“CUSTOMER (to her friend): What's this literary criticism section? Is it for books that complain about other books?”

“CUSTOMER:If I were to, say... meet the love of my life in this bookshop, what section do you think they would be standing in?”

“Bookshop Customer: 'Who wrote the bible?'Customer's friend: 'Jesus.”

“CUSTOMER: Im always on night shift at work.BOOKSELLER (jokingly): Is that why youre buying so many vampire novels?CUSTOMER (seriously): You can never be too prepared.”

“CUSTOMER (to their friend): God, the Famous Five titles realy were crap, werent they? Five Go Camping. Five Go Off in a Caravan.... If it was Five Go Down To a Crack House it might be a bit more ex...”

“Cookbooks, it should be stressed, do not belong in the kitchen at all. We keep them there for the sake of appearances; occasionally, we smear their pages together with vibrant green glazes or crims...”

“CUSTOMER: I don’t know why she wants it, but my wife asked for a copy of The Dinosaur Cookbook.BOOKSELLER: The Dinah Shore Cookbook?”

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

“Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you...”

“Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.”

“Stupidity and wisdom meet in the same centre of sentiment and resolution, in the suffering of human accidents.”

“If this man had not twelve thousand a year, he would be a very stupid fellow.”

“There are only 2 paths to happiness in life. Utter Stupidity or Exceptional Wealth.”