“I love being a wizard. Every day is like Disneyland.”

“The human mind is not a terribly logical or consistent place.”

“The human mind isn't a terribly logical or consistent place. Most people, given the choice to face a hideous or terrifying truth or to conveniently avoid it, choose the convenience and peace of nor...”

“This is Waldo Butters, and his geek penis is longer and harder than any of ours put together.”

“Like love, hope is one of those ridiculously disproportional words that by all rights should be a lot longer.”

“You're in America now," I said. "Our idea of diplomacy is showing up with a gun in one hand and a sandwich in the other and asking which you'd prefer.”

“You're stubborn- anyone ever tell you that before?”

“Wouldn't want to miss a war, would I?”

“In some ways blowjobs are better than sex because when you have a mouthful of cock you can't make snide comments.”