Quotes by Jack Benny

“Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.”

“I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.”

“If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.”

“I don't deserve this award but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.”

“I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with Prudential. All I can say is: When I go they go!”

“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce murder yes but divorce never.”

“I don't deserve this but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.”

“I really don't deserve this but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.”

“Gags die, humor doesn't.”

“I don't deserve this award but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.”

“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce murder yes but divorce never.”

“I don't deserve this but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.”

“I really don't deserve this but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.”

“Mugger: Your money or your life.”

“Mugger: Look bud. I said, your money or your life.”

“Jack: I'm thinking it over!”

“Bob Crosby: That's like keeping the smog and throwing away Los Angeles.”

“Don Wilson: I don't think you know how much it means to me to do the commercial. After all I'm not a funny man. I can't sing or dance. I don't lead a band. What are you paying me for?”

“Jack: Don, you're hanging yourself.”

“Jack: I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.”