Quotes by Henny Youngman

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”

“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”

“This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”

“A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.”

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

“What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.”

“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

“This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.”

“I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.”

“When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”

“When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”

“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”

“She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.”

“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”

“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.”

“My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.”

“I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.”