Quotes by Erma Bombeck

“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”

“Laugh now, cry later.”

“We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.”

“There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”

“Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.”

“Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.”

“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.”

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”

“Never order food in excess of your body weight.”

“Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.”

“For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a di...”

“I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.”

“Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.”

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

“Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.”

“I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.”

“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”

“A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.”

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”

“When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.”